Today marks the first installment of a new and possibly regular feature, the Stereogum Douchebag of the Week.

Probably anyone who reads my blog also reads Stereogum, a highly-successful mp3 blog. Usually when a blog becomes popular and gains a large readership, the comment feature is the first thing to go. But Scott has left Stereogum’s comments section open, and while he seems clued in to the fact that taste is highly subjective, most of his readers are clearly not. As a result, the site’s comments have threatened to eclipse the posts themselves in terms of sheer, sordid entertainment. It is a veritable repository of churlish indie-rock snark and also boasts numerous violations of every unofficial rule about blog comments.

I decided to write this post after talking with my brother about what mean jerks some people are, especially when it comes to the malevolent elitism that indie-rock fans seem to ooze out of every pore. And because we ourselves are indie-rock fans, we want to know what it is about music criticism that transmogrifies otherwise reasonable, unthreatening young men (because let’s face it, they’re almost always men) into stampeding assholes. A terrifically succinct summation of this phenomenon is exhibited in this hilarious photo, taken by a friend of my brother’s, in response to which item my brother said, “Congratulations, dipshit. Wilco was never heard from again, and you’re President of the Universe.”

I think part of the reason this trend disturbs me so much is that the prime offenders are so overwhelmingly a part of my own young, white, liberal, male, music-afficianado demographic. (Freud called this the narcissism of minor difference: the more someone is like us, the more we’re going to resent the minute ways in which they differ from us. This is why Americans make fun of Canadians.) So but anyway, because we so closely resemble the portion of our demographic that Hates Everything, my brother and I were trying to understand that portion, to analyze the pathology that renders such people unable to reserve their shrill, insufferable, unconstructive judgment.

Part of it, we decided, is definitely jealousy: “People are paying less attention to me and my band than to Tapes ‘n Tapes; ergo, Tapes ‘n Tapes suck.” Another big reason is that everyone loves to discover an obscure band/author/film, and hates it when the rest of the world also realizes what a great band/author/film they’re dealing with, and suddenly the “original” fan’s taste isn’t so enlightened or rarified, and now that person has to prove that he is not a recent passenger on the bandwagon, e.g.: “The new BtS is bloody awful. I can’t believe this is the same person who gave us There’s Nothing Wrong With Love.” (I realize these quotations aren’t terribly accurate, since they exhibit proper capitalization and lack any fundamental grammatical problems.) This is perhaps art’s cruelest paradox: when a beloved artist becomes successful and transcends his or her cult status (see: Sufjan, Death Cab, Modest Mouse, Flaming Lips, etc etc) the cult revolts, and the noise created by the backlash is deafening. To read the Stereogummers’ opinions of these bands, you’d think that these musicians were criminals just for daring to commit sounds to tape.

To wit: a few days ago, I emailed my brother a particularly ridiculous comment from a recent Stereogum post about Sufjan Stevens’ forthcoming b-sides album. This arrangement of words into a sentence-like structure is so hilariously pitch-perfect, it’s sublime:

Big yawn. I loved the Illinois album when it came out, but now I am embarassed by my enthusiasm for it.

Posted by: Dan at April 9, 2006 07:45 PM

As you can see, this was written by a person named Dan. (Where possible, and despite the fact that it might lead bloodthirsty trolls back to my blog, I’ll provide links to the original post and commenters’ websites, since many of them are really proud of their own discriminating taste and have constructed virtual showrooms for it.) I should thank Dan, because he’s provided the inaugural entry in my new series; his comment is perfectly prototypical indie-rock snark: Dismissive, above it all, well-removed from the crowd and once again safely cocooned within his own so-over-it sangfroid.

There’s yet another, similarly infuriating catalyst for this little project: a few months ago, Stereogum posted news of Grandaddy’s breakup. As you’d expect, a lot of people commented to say how much they love Grandaddy and how pissed they were to see them go, but there was also someone out there who could just sense that someone, somewhere, was guilty of enjoying music and themselves, and quickly and decisively acted to quash it:

i always thought grandaddy sucked. good riddance.

Posted by: scott at January 27, 2006 03:39 PM

This guy, scott (presumably not the same Scott who maintains Stereogum), is not only rejoicing in the dissolution of a band, he’s dancing on Grandaddy’s grave. Well, scott, just as soon as you release your own Sumday, I’m sure the members of Grandaddy will feel thoroughly and properly vanquished.

(By the way, I urge you to read the rest of the comments on that post; they’re priceless. Especially “death cab for cutie is good, but i hate the band name, so i refuse to listen to it.”)

Okay, we’re almost there. But first, a few disclaimers:

1. I realize it may seem petty for me to go picking fights with people on the internet who are themselves picking fights, and I’ve preached before on more than one occasion about the insidious nature of snark and how it’s a waste of time and energy to talk about how much you hate something when that t/e could be more productively channeled into talking about something you do love. But, since this exercise is meant as my own therapeutic antidote to flippant mean-spiritedness, it has validity, at least for me. Hey, I’m just trying to stay positive.

2. By now you’re probably thinking that perhaps my house’s walls consist of too much glass, and I will concede this point. After all, a huge portion of my blog is predicated on the notion that people care what I have to say about my own taste in music (and literature, film, etc). This is true. But I try so hard not to talk about the stuff I don’t like (with one notable exception) that it sometimes results in headaches. So I think that’s worth noting.

3. Believe it or not, this isn’t about Pitchfork. For as strident and esoteric as their reviews often are, and as often as I may disagree with them, they’re fighting the good fight and actually thinking about the music, and working hard on writing good reviews, and championing some bands that would otherwise never see the light of day. Like it or not, they are the tastemakers right now, and they don’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. They may be part of the problem, but no more than the rest of us, and certainly a lot less than the dipshits I’ll be quoting here. Bashing Pitchfork and the critical establishment in general (Spin, Rolling Stone, etc.) is an old, pointless exercise, but also one of the most common subgenres of Stereogum commenters’ douchebaggery, as you’ll soon see.

4. I realize that some of the nastiest comments are quite likely not entirely sincere, but just trolls trying to start a flame-war. In which case, the problem isn’t with music criticism so much as Internet culture. Either way, it’s simultaneously obnoxious and entertaining.

So enough qualifiers, already. Let’s start the hate!

Third place goes to a person named Bogart, who has this to say about the new Streets single:

Damn these guy suck. I will be the first to admit that I am a music snob, but that has nothing to do with this. i have given this guy many chances and I have heard nothing worth anything. I just don’t get it I guess. The beats are weak, the guy has no flow. Even Eminem whose flow is a bit awkward had something unique. This guys just fucking talks over some beats he made on a casio keyboard. Seriously, tell me why this guys is any good? I would listen if there was something i am maybe missing. Is it satire? He seems pretty serious to me. What a tool.

Posted by: Bogart at April 12, 2006 06:23 PM

Believe it or not, this evaluation skews a lot more to the constructive end of the spectrum than most. He provides some evidence for his dislike, even if comparing Mike Skinner to Eminem is lazy, and good old Bogey can’t seem to decide how many members comprise the Streets. I also enjoy his invitation to have someone explain to him “why this guys [sic] any good.” That sounds like a fantastic use of my time. If you’re up to the challenge, however, Bogart has his own website where you can attempt to persuade him, because he really seems amenable to reasoned arguments and well-founded opinions, doesn’t he?

Second place goes to a poster who identifies himself only as “villagecrasher”, in response to Village Indian’s guest blog, a review of a Voxtrot show. (Are there enough layers of referentiality for you there?) As a fellow music blogger somewhat in the SG mold who mainly reviews live shows, VI is starting to attract some intensely harsh insults of his own—a true mark of burgeoning internet celebrity if ever there was one.

I was going to write why I hate VI’s reviews so much, but i won’t. I’ll just say that they annoy the living shit out of me.

Posted by: villagecrasher at April 10, 2006 07:59 PM

Way to elevate the discourse, vc! You could have let loose with some venomous bile, but because you’re such a reasonable, magnanimous fellow, you’ll instead just perform the neat meta-trick of referring to that selfsame bit of bile semi-hypothetically, and then opt for another bon mot that’s exactly as hateful! Well done, sir. That will teach Village Indian a lesson. Who does he think he is, anyway, with his online presence that allows him to state favorable opinions about music he enjoys? Worse than Osama, IMHO.

First place goes to another post from the same thread. At least this poster’s pseudonym gives us some clue as to why nothing is capitalized:

glad to see some hatred for this guys crap reviews. why stereogum? why?

Posted by: ee cummings at April 11, 2006 08:21 PM

ee cummings is also referring to Village Indian, who must be the worst person in the history of the world. “Glad to see some hatred.” That might just be the single greatest confluence of sublime misanthropy and acute retardation. It would make a great bumper-sticker slogan for the music-blog community, or for white supremacists. To paraphrase Dave Eggers, I want you to always look back on this time as being a time when typed those words. Congratulations, ee cummings (if that is your real name): you’re officially my first-ever Stereogum Douchebag of the Week.