CAST:

EGO … Phillip Seymour-Hoffman
SUPEREGO … Bill Murray
ID … Vince Vaughn
WAITRESS … Julia Stiles

EGO: So I’ve been wondering something.
SUPEREGO: I’m thirsty.
ID: Always complaining.
EGO: I think I’m a fraud.
ID: What? Oh Jesus.
SUPEREGO: That’s totally normal.
EGO: Yeah, I know. It’s hardly anything new, but—
ID: Is the curry good here?
EGO: That depends. Red or green?
ID: Oh, I don’t know. I can never decide.
SUPEREGO: Who do I have to guilt-trip to get a glass of water around here?
EGO: Anyway, am I?
ID: Are you what?
SUPEREGO: A fraud, he means.
ID: Oh, right. Christ, I don’t know. Can we order first?
EGO: Fine. Okay, green. The green’s better.
SUPEREGO: There’s no way I’m getting curry if they won’t even bring me a glass of water.
ID: People in Hell want ice water.
SUPEREGO: What? That—
ID: I’m just saying, is all. Man, this is good bread.
SUPEREGO: —that’s totally irrelevant to—
EGO: Oh hey, that’s another thing.
SUPEREGO: —our conversation. It doesn’t even mean—
EGO: That’s another thing I’ve been wondering about.
SUPEREGO: If it’s about a haircut, the answer is yes.
EGO: No. I’m not a religious person, but—
ID: Yes, no, all of the above.
EGO: Stop interrupting.
ID: He started it.
EGO: What I’ve been wondering is, um, do you think there’s a Hell?
SUPEREGO: [Eyes rolling.] No.
ID: Oh hell yes there is. [Chuckling.] Pun completely intended, gents.
SUPEREGO: There is not a Hell. Don’t listen to him.
ID: Wanna put money on it?
SUPEREGO: No, I want a glass of water.
EGO: So what’s it like?
ID: What? The curry? I don’t know, I told you I’ve never—
EGO: No, Hell.
ID: Oh, yeah. Well, it’s kind of like—
SUPEREGO: Oh man, here we go.
ID: Okay, well … You remember the other day, on the way to work, when you got all the way to the El station before you realized you’d left your wallet at home, and then you had to run all the way back home, get your wallet, and run all the way back?
EGO: Yeah …
ID: It’s that. Over and over.
EGO: Really? God, that’s awful.
SUPEREGO: He’s lying. He’s full of lies.
ID: Listening to, like, really shitty music on your iPod the whole time.
EGO: Oh God!
SUPEREGO: This is pseudophilosophical blueballs.
EGO: All the way back and forth, all six blocks?
SUPEREGO: A bunch of high-concept nothing.
ID: Yep. And it’s even worse, because, like, you’re doing it metaphysically.
SUPEREGO: That doesn’t even mean anything.
EGO: Jesus. How bad is the music?
ID: Oh, let’s say really bad.
SUPEREGO: Stop it.
ID: Ironically enough, Train.
SUPEREGO: Please stop.
EGO: Oh, God no! The band Train?
ID: Yep. “Drops Of Jupiter”.
EGO: Oh my god.
ID: Yeah. Dante didn’t know the half.
SUPEREGO: You know he’s making all this up.
EGO: Physically running, back and forth?
ID: Sprinting. In July.
SUPEREGO: Lord knows you could use the exercise.
ID: In wool slacks.
EGO: That’s awful.
SUPEREGO: Look, can we get back to the point?
EGO: What was the point?
ID: Yeah, what was the point? Hey, are you gonna have any more of that bread?
SUPEREGO: Not without anything to drink I’m not.
ID: Great, thanks.
EGO: I’m worried I’m a fraud.
ID: [Chewing] What? Oh, yeah. Well, you probably are.
SUPEREGO: Like he needs to hear that!
EGO: Well, maybe I am a fraud.
ID: Maybe you are. Hell, we can’t really say for sure.
SUPEREGO: Yeah. I mean, we’re not exactly unbiased observers.
WAITRESS: Are you ready to order here?
EGO: Yeah, I think—
ID: No way, man! I haven’t decided yet.
EGO: Uh—I guess I need another minute or so.
SUPEREGO: Excuse me, could I—
WAITRESS: Okay. take your time. [Walks away.]
SUPEREGO: Goddamnit!
EGO: Pipe down.
SUPEREGO: Fucking hell. I can’t read this menu without my glasses.
ID: I’m horny.