My author photo should be either 1) a whimsical childhood photo of myself, preferrably playing with a typewriter or pen and paper as if to augur my future as a successful writer; or 2) a B&W portrait of me standing against an overcast sky, on a rocky precipice above a roiling sea. Maybe #2 for the hardcover and #1 for the paperback?

No raised letters on the hardcover jacket. Matte finish (a la The Corrections), not glossy (a la The Da Vinci Code). Trade paper when it comes out in softcover, no mass-market paperback until the third printing, at the very earliest.

Once it’s optioned for film, I’ll concede to a cover featuring a still from the movie only if it will boost sales and only if it’s someone hot on the cover (Clive Owen comes to mind). Of course, I’d help with the screenplay.

I want to “make my home” somewhere, preferably in multiple places: “Mr. Mohan makes his home in London, the Hamptons, and Des Moines.”

Contrite, rueful testimonials from everyone who called me “faggot” in high school, about how they should have treated me better back then so that today they could bask in the benevolent warmth of my magnanimity.

Ample bastard pages in the front, for autographs.

Blurbs from the following: David Sedaris, David Byrne, David Foster Wallace, David Cross, David Souter, David Caruso, David DeLillo, David Pynchon, and David Jonanthan Franzen.

My book should be “by turns” something and something else: “By turns tragic and hilarious,” “By turns poignant and brutal,” “By turns great-tasting and less-filling”.