Tonight I had the rare privilege of seeing the most anticipated movie sequel event since The Hours: Reloaded. That’s right: I’m talking about the thriller Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines. From the very beginning of this exciting film, I was blown away. Like any good film, the movie begins with a naked woman walking down a city street. My only complaint is that she could have been more naked. Don’t you hate it when breasts get obscured by things like hair and rearview mirrors? Anyway, this naked lady robot, named the Maxim Terminator, has been sent from the future to destroy absolutely everything in the world, and emasculate every living male in the vicinity. She manages to do all this while looking totally hot. I think I contracted a case of SARS: Sexy Awesome Robot Syndrome! HA HA! It was pretty hard to ignore the Rise of My Machine! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Another awesome thing about this film was the special effects. Throughout the movie, I was constantly reminded that what used to cost, like, eleventy bazillion dollars in 1991 is now possible with a couple hundred bones and the latest version of PhotoShop. About halfway through the film, the good guy robot, named Governor Terminator, explains that he is obsolete. “I am like Windows ‘95,” he muses. “The evil Maxim Terminator, she is like the new Power Mac G5.” Governor Terminator must join forces with John O’Connor and his girlfriend, played by Claire “For This I Went to Yale” Danes.

The movie’s denoument, a French term meaning “the evil robot is dead oh wait no she’s not oh wait yes she is oh wait no she’s not again but she is,” is a non-stop shitstorm of thrills, chills, and kills! Our heroes manage to fight off the Matrix Terminator, the US Navy, and Short Circuit’s Johnny Number 5, and still have time at the end of the day to start a nuclear apocalypse! Add to all of this a special human element, warmly expressed during a poignant scene where Governor Terminator says to John O’Connor, “Hey, remember when you were Edward Furlong?” and O’Connor replies, “Yeah. Remember when you were twenty years younger and playing this character?” and Governor Terminator replies, “Don’t fuck with me, I’m the Governor of California.”