Earlier today I had to drive way down south to take a stupid standardized test that is supposed to be my final hurdle before getting certified to teach in Illinois. I was in a foul mood and arrived having eaten nothing, saw the huge line leading into the high school where the test was being administered, and went to Walgreen’s to get a candy bar. On my way out of the store, I put some money in the Salvation Army bucket, and the bell ringer asked me what all those people across the street are lining up for. I told them it’s a test to get certified as a teacher, and that I’m taking it too. “You’re gonna be a teacher?” He asked. “I’m gonna try,” I responded. “Well, knock ‘em dead!” That instantly made my day much better. It really did.

This despite the fact that the test was another classic instance of just how much time and money the government can waste trying to hold educators “accountable” for their profession. It also reached new heights in terms of ambiguity. It’s supposed to measure our “professional aptitude,” which generally means teaching methods, learning strategies, education theory, that whole bit. But the questions and their multiple-choice answers were either too vague so that every answer appeared correct, e.g.:

Harry, an ordinarily well-behaved student in Ms. Davis’ seventh-grade class has been sullen and unresponsive all day, responding to every question with “I don’t know.” What teaching strategy should Ms. Davis use to address the problem?

a) Use time after school to create a pedagogical matrix that will address Harry’s lack of motivation

b) Use time during prepratory periods to actualize an instructive design that will attend to Harry’s lack of interest

c) Use study hall time to forumlate a scholastic model that will engage Harry’s lack of initiative

d) Use free time to generate an educational outline that will speak to Harry’s lack of actuation

Or, it was just a matter of using common sense and logical deduction to figure out the answer, e.g.:

During Mr. Gonzales’ advanced-placement literature class, it becomes apparent that a student has not done the assigned reading for the day. How should Mr. Gonzales best address this issue?

a) Apply Piaget’s theories of cognitive development in tandem with Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to determine a rubric that fairly assesses the student’s progress vis á vis the humanist pedagogical models of Dewey and Giroux.

b) Say, “Hey, Retardo Montalban! Looks like TJ Maxx had a sale on moron pants!”

c) Offer the student a better grade in exchange for an after-school “oral presentation”

d) Say “fuck it,” dismiss class, and ask that leggy blonde in the social studies department if she wants to hit happy hour at TGI Friday’s

I just hope that I passed. Now I’m watching Jason and Sonya play video games, and trying to actualize a recreative matrix that will engage my beertational needs.