1. The right side of the escalator is for standing; the left side for walking. Why did you stand on the left side this morning? Couldn’t you feel me burning holes into your back with my laser-vision?

2. If I put Caesar salad dressing on a Greek salad, will the resulting clash of ancient civilizations cause it to taste bad?

3. Are game shows on Telemundo hilarious because they’re in a foreign language I cannot understand, or because they are simply ridiculous? Or is it both?

4. It’s both, isn’t it?

5. Did the woman who was putting her dog into her car as I walked by last night mutter “faggot” under her breath, or did she say something more innocuous like “That’s it,” directed instead at her dog, and I misheard her due to my latent persecution complex?

6. One day in college I found myself in an elevator with William Sloane Coffin, who was a visiting professor at the time. He quipped that the “door close” button had no actual effect on the elevator’s operation; rather, it was a psychological device to meant to placate human impatience. My question is, what’s the correlation between old men who wear socks with sandals, and senility?

7. Do I really have to read every item in the New Yorker’s “Talk Of The Town” section? Every week?

8. Really?

9. When I went to the bathroom as a child, I would sit on the toilet and speak aloud with an invisible journalist who was interviewing me about my career as a famous actor / writer / rock star / Han Solo. Is it normal for this to continue today, in my adulthood, and if so, is it appropriate for me to conduct these “interviews” in the office bathroom at work, with the adjoining stalls on either side occupied?

10. And what’s the deal with airline food?